technochocolate

norris

This weekend I compiled a list of my favorite Chuck Norris “facts” (jokes). If you find them offensive, don’t read them.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
• When Chuck Norris eats garlic, the garlic smells like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris sued NBC on a claim that Law & Order were trademarked names for his left and right thighs.